Just about everyone on the internet hated how last week’s show featured a bunch of gimmicky challenges that had nothing to do with food.  The hatred got so bad that many of the commentators said that this season has been so awful that they quit watching weeks ago.  All this while still giving their opinions of the episode.  (Nice try, hipsters.)  The hatred for the episode even gave rise to a lot of conspiracy theories about rigging it for Beverly to come back.  I guess we’ll never know if there was a concerted effort to keep Bev in the competition.  I do know I didn’t mind all the gimmicks, simply for the entertainment value of watching Sarah fail at skiing.

What bothers me  is when they have the contestants cook for the cast of “Ben Hur”, thus making it “Top Caterer” instead of “Top Chef”.  So when I saw the previews of this week I was disheartened to see them cooking for 150 people.  It may have been basement-level expectations, but they pulled through with a good episode.

We got shut out the last week on the Sarah Grueneberg drinking game.  I saw the episode twice and didn’t see one OMG! reaction.  She made up for it this week.

Quickfire – Team Up with a Top Chef Master

The chefs were matched up with three Top Chef Masters alumni – Anita Lo, Floyd Cardoz, and Takashi Yagihashi.  I once ate at Takashi in Chicago and it was good.  Not very exciting or innovative, but the execution was excellent.  Since he’s in Chicago, of course Sarah is good friend of his.  And of course, since they are good friends, she freaks out when he enters the room.

I counted three OMG moments. Drink THREE times.

The contestants and masters took turns creating an Asian-inspired dish.  Neither teammate knew what the other was doing until they switched off every ten minutes.  The winner got $20K.

• Anita Lo/Penishead – Scallops two ways: bok choy and chili, fried roe with sausage and water chestnut
• Takashi Yagihashi/Kundun – Mirugai sashimi with yuzu dashi, fried white fish, scallions & Thai chili
• Floyd Cardoz/Sarah – Pan-seared cod with coconut curry, dungeoness crab salad with clementine and amaranth
• Winner – Sarah and Floyd.  I can see that, it looked really good.  But more importantly…

DRINK! Twice!

Elimination Challenge – Fire and Ice cocktail party

Each chef had to prepare a dish and a cocktail for 150 of Vancouver’s “culinary elite”. They must include both a fire and an ice element, the definitions of which were open to interpretation.  I still hate how it’s more of a catering challenge,  but at least the crowd is considered “culinary elite” as opposed to the some garden-variety redneck in a cowboy hat.  The winner gets a trip for two to Costa Rica.

• Kundun – King Crab with lobster broth and lemon snow.  Paired with “The Pan Am” – kaffir lime, thai chilies, and rum.
• Sarah – Five greens filled pasta with roasted garlic, chili and spiced sformato.  Paired with “Agrumi” – gin, kumquats, mango, and prosecco.
• Penishead – Halibut with fiery celery root salad.  Paired with “Encendido” – vodka, tomato and horseradish.

Judges’ Table

The judges could agree that none were perfect, but that’s about it.

Winner: Kundun.  The only complaints were that it could be slightly spicier and Tom hated the piece of arugula.  He wins the trip and a spot in the final.

Also going to final: Sarah.  Her pasta was perfect, but Gail’s mousse was frozen solid.  And yes…

Two drinks!

Sent home: Penishead.  The remoulade overpowered the fish and overall didn’t seem to have much direction.

Random Thoughts

• The final three were all chummy together throughout the episode.  They said its because they’ve become friends, but it’s probably that they don’t have much personality.  They really are not a lot of fun to watch – Kundun’s too focused, Penishead’s a fucking robot, and I want to turn off the TV when Sarah’s on.  There were so many times I just wanted to fast forward to the finished product.
• That had to be Padma’s hottest look with the leather shirt and tight leather pants.  Maybe it was because she was standing next to Emeril?
  

  No, she was bangin’.

• An Indian guy named Floyd?  I guess it doesn’t surprise me because I work with offshore folks named Green (male), Jose Maria (female), and Josh.
• I hereby pronounce myself part of Ann Arbor’s culinary elite.  Applications are being taken to join me in this exclusive club.
• Sarah’s worried about her Elimination Challenge dish as she’s never made it before.  Wait, she hasn’t made a pasta with roasted garlic?  Oh, that’s right.  She hasn’t yet made a pasta.  This episode.
• I knew Kundun would win because Tom kept getting his panties in a wad over the superfluous piece of arugula as garnish.  Really, if that’s the only beef you have with a dish, it’s probably pretty damn good.
• In “Watch What Happens Live”, the guests are newly-engaged singer John Legend and supermodel Chrissy Teigen.  She’s a terrific cook and hilarious blogger.  I posted one of her recipes a few months ago.
• They made a comment of how Sarah freaked out during the show.  I hereby say “no shit”.
• Penishead was on the show and it looks like she’s gained weight.   So now she’s more of a Shane Diesel than a Mandingo.  No, I’m not going to explain that or post a picture.  Just do a Google image search for either of those names with “penis”.

• Next week is the final.  Who’s going to win?

Two songs aren’t going to take up much time in the telecast and I’m sure the producers are scrambling to fill-up the time.  Because, you know, the show NEVER runs over.  So as a service to the Academy, I’ve put together this list of musical tributes to Oscar-nominated movies.

5. Bridesmaids

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In this hilarious romp, the final scene has Wilson Philips performing their 1990 hit “Hold on” at a wedding.  This song was, and still is, a pure Guilty Pleasure.  But if you asked the 1990 version of me what I thought about Wilson Phillips being on the Oscars, I would’ve said the Cubs would win the World Series first.

4. The Iron Lady

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Meryl Streep delivers her latest pitch-perfect portrayal of an iconic woman.  What better way to pay tribute to that performance than to have anything from the iconic heavy metal band Iron Maiden.  Think about it – the band peaked in Thatcher’s administration and that was many years ago.  So not only should they perform, they should also change their name to “Iron Lady”.

3. Ides of March

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I’m really surprised that I haven’t seen this movie yet as I’m a big George Clooney fan and several scenes were filmed here in Ann Arbor. I hear there’s some romantic intrigue involving Ryan Gosling’s character and a young intern.  Wonder if he used this pickup line from The Ides of March’s hit “Vehicle”

“I’m your friendly stranger in a black sedan, won’t you hop into my car

I’ve got pictures, got candy, I’m a loveable man and I can take you to the nearest star”

2. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I loved the first two Transformers movies, but I refused to see this because, let’s face it, without Megan Fox the quality level of acting just plummets.  A lot of people (not me) love Pink Floyd, so having them come perform this track from their landmark “Darkside of the Moon” album would be a no-brainer.  PLUS, this song would work for Moneyball.

1.  The Artist

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There’s a lot of buzz around this black-and-white romantic comedy.  It’s a French movie set in Hollywood during the silent film era. It’s won a lot of international awards already and is considered a front-runner for Best Picture.  Paying tribute to this movie in song would be a monumental challenge and I can only think of one person that’s up for it.  This person’s a legend that filmed and starred in Under a Cherry Moon, a black-and-white movie set in France around the same timeframe.   And heck, he even changed his name to “The Artist”.

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So what is Mardi Gras besides a big drunken excuse for debauchery in New Orleans or Rio de Janeiro?  Well, officially it’s the last day before Lent, the Catholic season of penance and prayer that begins on Ash Wednesday and ends weeks later on Easter Sunday.  99.9999% of Catholics give up sort of  luxury or engage in some kind of self-denial as a sign of piety such as giving up sweets or coffee.  The other .0001% is me – every year I give up Catholicism for Lent.  (Feel free to join me.)  So in advance of a whole season where they are supposed to be good boys and girls, Catholics would party their asses off the day before Ash Wednesday.

In 1920s New Orleans, people in the parades started throwing beads to people in the crowd and over the years they’ve become much sought-after souvenirs.  In keeping with the American tradition of taking things too far, it then morphed into women baring their breasts in exchange for beads.

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It’s become a little tacky, so let’s update it for the blogging age.  If any of you female readers email me a pic of you flashing your breasts, I’ll email you a picture of beads.  Fair trade?  hedonist@foodandwinehedonist.com

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Chicken and Andouille Gumbo

I love New Orleans cuisine and this is one of my favorite dishes.  In fact, we named our dog Gumbo.  Of course, there’s that uncomfortable moment when I (a Filipino) tell people I cooked Gumbo last night…

This recipe is originally from Emeril Lagasse which I’ve modified over the years.

• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 1 cup flour
• 2 cups chopped onions
• 1.5 cups chopped celery
• 1 green bell pepper, chopped
• 1.5 pounds andouille – I got mine from Biercamp.  I took the last couple so I made up the rest with their delicious  jalapeno sausage
• Salt
• 1 tsp cayenne
• 5 bay leaves
• 8 cups of water
• 1 pound chicken, cut up in small chunks, sprinkled with cajun seasoning
• 1/2 cup chopped parsley
• 1 cip chopped green peppers
• 2 Tablespoons file powder

1. Make the roux – Mix oil and flour in a large pot over medium-high heat.  Stir slowly for about 30-35 minutes until the roux is dark brown.  Make sure you stir constantly so it doesn’t burn.
   

   This pic actually looks yellow, but it was brown. I usually go much darker.

2. Add the onions, celery, peppers, and stir until softened.
3. Add the sausage, a tsp or two of salt, cayenne, and bay leaves.  Cook for about 5 minutes.
4. Add the water, bring to a boil, and then lower heat.  Simmer for about an hour – uncovered and stirring occasionally.
5. Add the chicken and simmer for 2 hours.  Skim off any fat.
6. Remove from heat, take out bay leaves.  Stir in parsley, green onions, and file powder.
7. Serve with a dollop of rice.

A little lighter than usual due to the lighter roux, but still good. Going darker on the roux gives it a little more depth, though.

Make sure to check out my Facebook page for more Mardi Gras merriment!

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The latest debate was about The Doors. While I like some of their songs – “Hello I Love You” and “Touch Me” – I found most of their other stuff to be too hokey. I just don’t think that all of the psychedelic drug-inspired lyrics hold up after all these years. But what was even hokier was Oliver Stone’s 1991 movie about the band. Sure it was nice to see Meg Ryan’s cookies, but Val Kilmer was awful and the whole “Jim Morrison was a Native American mystic” was utterly laughable. But the worst part of the movie had to be the naked shaman walking around.

I couldn’t find ANY screencaps but I’m fairly sure it was Floyd Red Crow Westerman:

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And what the hell was Oliver Stone thinking, anyway?

Some Screenwriter – OK, here’s the scene where Jim Morrison’s doped up on Peyote…

Stone – Naked Indian.

Screenwriter – I beg your pardon?

Stone – You heard me – naked Indian. We’ll have Kilmer follow around a naked Indian. Full Monty.

Screenwriter – But that’s offensive…

Stone – Naked Indian. This movie will not be complete without a naked Indian walking around.

Screenwriter – No, you using “Indian” is offensive. It’s “Native American”.

Anyway, this week’s Guilty Pleasure has nothing to do with the Super Bowl, Cee Lo’s hands, the Doors, or Oliver Stone. But it does have a dancing Native American. Thankfully, fully clothed.

It’s the beginning of the finals for this season’s Top Chef.  After last week’s farewell to the great Sonny Chiba, the contestants hopped on the plane, left sunny San Antonio, and found themselves in the snowy Vancouver…  WTF????  There must have been some kind of time warp thing going on.  But perhaps what’s more disturbing than their finding a crease in the time-space continuum was Kundun’s hair.

All of the challenges were held at Whistler Mountain, home of the 2010 Winter games.  So there was an Olympic theme going on the whole night.  There were three events with the winner of each one getting $10K and a spot in the final.

Event One – Cook on a moving gondola

The chefs had to cook a meal on a moving gondola. Midway through, they had to exit and get an additional ingredient that had to be incorporated into their dish.   The guest judge was snowboarding champ Gretchen Bleiler.

• Kundun (extra ingredient was wasabi) – Lamb loin with curried enoki mushrooms and wasabi crème fraiche , with a gastrique of fresh juniper
  • He had trouble with the getting the lamb rack caramelized  and it showed in the final results as there were some negative comments about the meat – underseasoned and uneven.
• Sarah (prune juice) – Chorizo sausage with onions, prune juice, gooseberries and pickled mushrooms  and almond.
  • Speaking of chorizo, on my Facebook page I posted a recipe for Shrimp and Chorizo non-Paella which uses chickpeas in place of rice.  I’ve been putting extra pictures and recipes there, so don’t forget to “Like” the page.
• Bev (horseradish) – Salmon tartare, anchovy horseradish crème fraiche and crispy capers
  • Was an interesting note to fry the capers to add some complexity to the dish.
• Penishead (horseradish) –  Seared salmon, red quinoa “risotto” with chorizo and horseradish vinaigrette
  • As the gondola ride was ending, she was fretting about not having enough salmon there. As I was watching I said, “Bullshit, just cut the fucker in half.”  And that’s what she did.  And yes, I really did use that language.

And the rankings were

1. Penishead – she moves on.
2. Beverly
3. Sarah
4. Kundun

Event Two – Create a dish using ingredients that are frozen in ice

Their “pantry” was several blocks of ice which they had to hack at with an ice pick to get the ingredients frozen in the middle.  The guest judge was Jon Montgomery, who won a gold medal in Skeleton.  For those who don’t know what that is, it’s where they ride on a luge down a ice track going a couple hundred miles an hour – FACE FIRST.  Sighhhh, white people…

In addition to the ice pick, Bev tried pounding on the ice with a frying pan – classic – to no avail.  Obviously, there wasn’t going to be any product placement by Analon there.  Kundun was ahead of the game and he ended up helping the other get to their ingredients.  Did I mention that “Kundun” is how people address the Dalai Lama? So of course he’s all about helping them out.

• Sarah – pea and spinach soup with turmeric, almonds, and king crab
  • Tom made mention of how Kundun helped her out with the crab.  The way he said it made it sound like it was more than helping with the ice.  It sounded like he flat out gave her a couple of pieces to give her a fair shot.
• Bev – seared scallop with red wine reduction, buttered peas, corn and couscous
  • She received some nice compliments, but it didn’t sound like it was anything special.  Here again, Kundun shows some generosity – since he gave Bev all his wine, he had to go with a mango chutney instead of the sauce he was planning.
• Kundun – poached king crab in brown butter, toasted almonds, mango chutney with orange marmalade

Winner: Kundun.  Uh, yeah… Even with the plan-B sauce, this was clearly superior over a scallop or a thin pea soup.  He moves on.

Event Three – Culinary Biathlon

Biathlon has got to be one of the coolest sports ever – a cross-country ski race with rifle shooting.   It’s so challenging because the race part pumps up your heartrate which is completely detrimental to the shooting part.  The two of them had to cross-country ski through the woods and then shoot a rifle at targets for ingredients.  They had 10 bullets and once an ingredient was picked, the other couldn’t use it.  The guest judge was Cammi Granato, goaltender for a gold medal winning hockey team.

• Bev slow-roasted arctic char, onion& beet compote, celery root truffle puree and fennel salad
  • Praised for matching the fish with earthy ingredients, but it was a little overcooked
• Sarah – braised rabbit leg and heart with cherries, hazelnut and sauerkraut puree
  • This looked really good, but the rabbit was described as tough. She had set out to make  rabbit two ways – braised leg and roasted loin.  Wonder what happened to the loin?

Loser – Bev.  The underseasoned fish and overcooked compote was a losing combination.  Even if she executed well, the rabbit sounded like a great concept.

Random Thoughts

• I really want to go  to Vancouver.  I hear it’s got a great cosmopolitan feel and vibrant food scene.  That and an amazing nude beach.
• After the extended time off, Sarah said her goal was “to be a really nice person”.   Heh-heh.  That horse left the fucking barn in the first week of the competition when she was ragging on that big Suge Knight looking guy.  Penishead, on the other hand still seemed really bitter about Bev.  At least she’s honest with herself.
• All the gimmicks to make it challenging were ok, but I still prefer what they did with the Mentors and the Evil Queen episodes.  The best food was when they gave  the chefs all the time they need to create whatever the heck they want for a small crowd.  So, of course, in next week’s preview they show them catering a meal for 150 people.
• Sarah was nervous about going head-to-head against Bev since she was on a roll with all the Last Chance Kitchen wins.  That’s one long roll since that was months ago on the other side of the continent.  Really, she should really be more worried about Kundun.
• Bev did pretty well with the skiing and shooting, neither of which she ever did before. And in keeping with the Winter Olympics theme, she pulled a Tonya Harding and tried to take out Sarah’s kneecap.

Let’s hope she went full-on Tonya and made a sex tape. Oh, you wouldn’t watch that?

• I love how Bev kept on getting in Sarah’s way.  That’s gotta be Bev’s way of mindfucking her.  She must’ve watched “Get Him to the Greek”

Beta format VCR – As leader of this group, I want to welcome you again to the Unwanted Technology Support Group.  Who wants to share first?

9-inch Laser Disc – I have issues with you as leader.  I was supposed to replace you years ago.

HD-DVD –Oooh, look at Mr. Big-and-mighty 9-inch Laser Disc, I was much better than you at a compact size…

Zune – Sounds like your Napolean complex is acting up, eh?

Google Plus – What am I doing here?  I’m still relevant and much better than Facebook!

MySpace – Denial…

There are two reasons why I bring this up.  First, as I mentioned in last Friday’s Guilty Pleasures post, about five years ago a buddy had an idea to start doing some cooking videos for YouTube.  In my shortsightedness, I thought for sure YouTube would be joining that support group so it never went past the “wouldn’t it be cool” phase.  Coulda, woulda, shoulda….  An idea I came up with was “Cooking to Score”, which would have simple recipes for the culinary clueless who wanted to impress a date.   Now that I have this blog, I’ll start posting recipes here.

The second reason for bringing up the Unwanted Technology Support Group is that if you’re familiar with all of its members and think they are still superior technologies, you are a true geek.  And if by some strange alignment of the stars, you actually got a date for Valentine’s Day with a beautiful lady (or man), you need this recipe.

It’s a classic French dish, but don’t be intimidated – it’s really simple and almost foolproof.  The traditional recipe calls for Dover sole, but that can be pretty tough to find and expensive.  I usually use tilapia, trout, or some other mild white fish.  This time around I used cod.  It’s not as mild as tilapia, but this was really fresh.

So how do I know that it’ll seduce the object of your desires?  According to her biography, this was Julia Child’s first meal in France.  It was a revelation to her and inspired her to go to cooking school, which led to cookbooks, tv shows, and Dan Akroyd spoofs.

You probably won’t be inspiring the next Julia Child, but maybe you’ll get a nice kiss goodnight…

Sole Meuniere (my recipe)

• 2 Filets of fish, less than an inch thick. (3 if it’s going to be one of those nights where she brings a hot friend)
• salt and pepper
• ½ cup of flour
• Clarified butter or oil
• Real butter
• ½ cup of chopped flat parsley
• Lemon wedges
• Cooked rice

1. Heat the clarified butter or oil in a large skillet over medium heat.
2. Season the filets with salt and pepper.  Coat them with flour (shaking off excess) and place them in the pan presentation side* down.  Cook for about 3-4 minutes until golden.  You want to flour the fish right before you put it in the pan.  If you do it in advance, it’ll get gummy and not crisp.
3. Flip over and cook the other side.  This shouldn’t take more than a minute or two to cook. Remove fish from pan and place on top of a bed of rice.  Top with a generous amount of parsley.
4. Pour off any excess fat from the pan and then add 2-3 tablespoons of regular butter.  After the foam subsides, heat for a minute or two until it’s nutty brown.
5. Pour the browned butter over the parsley and fish.  As you do this, it’ll make a loud crackling sound.  I suggest pouring the butter at the table to add a theatrical element to the presentation.  Sounds cheesy, but it’s really alluring.
6. Serve with a wedge of lemon.

* On a fish filet, one of the sides is going to be flat and smooth.  The other side is where the bones were and it will be slightly rounded.  That’s the presentation side.

Good luck!  Let me know how that works for you geekboy…

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But Boom Boom has always hated Valentine’s Day and our first few together resulted in my finding out the hard way all the other things that she hates.  Big boxes of chocolate? Nope, she’d have to go run a marathon to get rid of the calorie guilt.  A dozen roses?  Absolutely detests them.  I tried to figure out whether it was a traumatic experience in childhood with school valentines or something with a dickhead ex-boyfriend.  But any questions I asked were answered with something along the lines of “I just don’t like it”.

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Then it hit me – I’ve struck GOLD! I could easily pocket all that romance money and buy some golf clubs or power tools.  You know, to make up for the fact that I’m not going to get any gifts on Valentine’s Day from her.  But I’m also now free of the pressure that many of you gents feel to have to come up with that perfect gift.   The one that will make her forget about last year’s microwave oven or drilldo.

I came soooo close to posting one of the many awesome pictures I found of drilldos. You’ll just have to Google it. I suggest typing in “drilldo+tranny”. (smecc.org)

A few years ago, a friend and I had this idea of putting together a bunch of instructional videos called “Cooking to Score”.  The concept was to have a bunch of simple, sure-fire recipes that any guy can do so that they can get some “action”.  (And by “action”, I mean “fucking”.  Just want to make sure that’s clear.)

UPDATE:  Cooking to Score is here!

We never got around to it and I’ve been approached many times for some suggestions.  While I try to dig up a recipe, this week’s Guilty Pleasure provides some other relevant advice…

Based on what I’ve read on the internet, longtime viewers of Top Chef were pretty pissed off at last week’s episode.  Many did not like having Pee-Wee Herman, a non-food expert, playing a crucial role in determining contestants’ fates so late in the contest.  Others thought that the bicycle-themed Elimination Challenge, was a silly reality show gimmick that led to unimaginative, low quality food.  That’s fair.

However, I’ve seen a lot of commentary that the gimmicky challenges are taking the focus away from food and pandering to non-foodies.  Right.  I’m sure the folks at Bravo are thinking, “To heck with getting millions more people interested in the show, let’s focus on the douchebag who has a preferred emulsification method…”  (For the record, that’s not me, I’m a different breed of douchebag.)  Well, those who complained about last week got their episode this week.

This is also the week where the winner of Last Chance Kitchen got to rejoin the competition.  While chilling at the mansion the chefs were trying to guess who won – Sonny Chiba bet on Bev and, of course, Sarah said Grayson.  So who won the pack of smokes and a banana?

Sonny wins! Cute boots, Bev...

Sonny did.  Bev beat Grayson in the final week of LCK.  I’m not surprised, she’s a strong cook.  Not very wide-ranged, but strong.  Is this the year for Asian Domination?

Quickfire Challenge

The chefs had 30 minutes to choose ingredients and prepare a dish with all of those ingredients.  The catch?  They had to pick the ingredients blindfolded.  The winner got a choice between a new Toyota Prius V or a guaranteed spot in the finals.   So there’s an interesting choice here – go for the sure thing or let their pride get in the way and try to earn the finalist spot.

I guess we were supposed to laugh at all of the chefs wandering aimlessly, fumbling around, and bumping into each other.  It would’ve been funnier if they put a chef’s knife in Bev’s hand.  So she can “accidentally” shiv Sarah while reaching for limes.  As it was, the best part of that scene was Sonny’s reaction to grabbing pork casings.

• Beverly – Striped bass with avocado, lime, & jalapeño
• Sonny – “Udon” with ribbons of zucchini, mushrooms, scallions, casings used for broth
• Sarah – Corn soup with onion, red chili, roasted mushrooms, peaches
• Penishead – fish with bulgur wheat, marscapone,& broccoli rabe
• Kundun – sautéed prawn with thai-style tomato salad

Winner –  The two top dishes were Sonny’s and Sarah’s.  Sarah’s innovative use of peaches in the soup was the difference maker and she opted for the guaranteed finalist spot.  I’m mildly annoyed at this because I thought that Sonny’s use of the casings should have been rewarded.  And I’m totally annoyed because she doesn’t have to cook in the Elimination challenge.  I would’ve loved to have seen her reaction if Bev beat her.  It also translated into less screen time, thus less opportunities for the Sarah Grueneberg Drinking Game.

Elimination Challenge – Make a dish for their mentors

In the previews for this week, we saw Kundun crying with the implication that he messed-up badly.  I should’ve known that it was a red herring, that guy has ice running through his veins.  What did send him, and all the others, crying was that their mentors were brought in for the Elimination Challenge.  There were all kinds of tears flowing from everyone’s eyes as the contestants spilled their guts about their mentors’ impact on their careers.  Well, everyone cried except Sonny Chiba.  He’s wayyyyy too badass for that shit.

The chefs had a couple of hours for prep and one hour for cooking to make a dish that fulfills their mentors’ expectations.  This is exactly what the internet was clamoring for – total freedom to cook whatever they want.  I, personally, was excited to see them drive to Whole Foods in the new Prius V, with ample headroom.

• Sarah (mentor is Tony Mantuano) – Didn’t have to cook, so they had dinner with a couple shots of tequila.  Followed by a steamy, romantic evening where they – ok, I just got sick…
• Penishead (Michelle Bernstein) – Seafood “stew” over  toasted cousous & broth with emulsified cream
• Beverly (Sarah Stegner) – Gulf Shrimp and bbq pork Singapore noodles
• Kundun (Tyson Cole) – Chilled sunchoke and dashi soup with summer vegetables
• Sonny (Frank Crispo) – Braised pork belly, smoked oyster crema & pickled vegetables

Judges table – Hugh, Gail, Tom, Padma

Top two: Bev and Kundun got to move to the final.  Bev’s dish was described as coming from the heart and was commended for the skill needed to make that many wok dishes.  Tom praised Kundun for doing something completely different than what he’s prepared before and, echoing Kundun’s thoughts while cooking, knowing when a dish is perfect.

Winner:  Paul gets to bring home the new, spacious, fuel efficient Prius V.

Bottom two: Penishead was called out on use of dried herbs and cream, and she admitted so.  Sonny’s dish was praised for the pickled vegetables, but the use of canned smoked oysters and busyness of the dish were slammed.

Gone:  Sonny Chiba.  I’m really bummed about this, because he probably had the most personality.  Then again, Sarah has a ton of personality.  I’ll just leave it at that.

Random Thoughts

• Apparently the choice between the car and guaranteed entry into the finals was an interesting dilemma.  Kundun said he’d go for the car because he wanted to win his way into the finals.  I’d take the spot in the finals because I wouldn’t care how I got there.  Besides, despite all their product placement, I wouldn’t want a fucking Prius.
• A lot has been made about Bev getting bullied and it’s true that she got some unfair treatment.  However, I think it’s the editing that is making her look like a bumbling idiot who doesn’t belong there.  You think she was the only one to bump into others while blindfolded or spill stuff?
• I also don’t buy that Sarah didn’t mean to grab a peach in the Quickfire.  There aren’t many fruit out there that are fuzzy.  Plus she could’ve easily tell it was a peach from the aroma.
• Wow, even Sonny Chiba almost lost it when the mentors were brought in.  Later he says he was crying on the inside.  Of course it was on the inside.  He’s a karate man!

• Speaking of karate man, it looked like Sonny Chiba was going to unleash a roundhouse on Hugh’s unibrow.

• Based on next week’s preview, those who didn’t like the gimmicky challenges are probably going to hate the finals, where the competition moves to a ski resort in Vancouver.
• Wait, Vancouver is in Texas?

For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s a Filipino street food delicacy that’s not for the faint of heart.  I recall it being featured as a challenge on “Fear Factor” years ago and Cracked.com had a feature called “The World’s 6 Most Terrifying Foods”.  It came in first place.  Filipino food features some pretty disgusting things already – like dinaguan or your neighbor’s Doberman – but none of that compares to Balut. That’s pretty damning for what’s simply just a boiled duck egg.

What’s that?  What’s wrong with a duck egg?

a.akamaihd.net

Did I mention it’s a duck egg with a mostly-formed embryo inside?   Yes, it’s “the treat that tweets”.  (Or is it “the snack that quacks”?)

On the day that Bugnutz left for Hungary to study abroad for the semester, he wanted to have lunch with me, his dad, and my mom.  So we decided to hit up Little Quiapo, a Filipino restaurant on Chicago’s far north side that features a huge lunch buffet.

The buffet itself brought back fond memories of growing up and it’s been ages since I’ve had a lot of this food.   Some of it, like the roast pig, is made in mass quantities.  Others, like dinaguan, is stuff that I couldn’t get the family to go near, let alone eat.  So I had to try everything.

While the selection was really broad, I was a little disappointed in the flavors.  Just about everything I had didn’t match up to how my dad (or even I) cooked it.  I guess that’s pretty common.   It’s gotta be tough to serve food to people who grew up on mom and dad’s versions – it’s a losing game.  But I didn’t let that stop me from gorging myself.  As we waddled out of the dining area, I noticed they had a freezer right by the register.  And in it, I saw this:

Bugnutz saw it too and dared me to get some.   Having eaten dinaguan (and probably, unknowingly, a Doberman) I figured I could do this.  And after writing this silly food blog for the past few months, I knew it was my duty to do it.  So I agreed.

Now, I used to eat Balut when I was a kid – probably when I was five or six years old.  But something happens during childhood and at some point you suddenly become more aware about what you’re eating.  We hadn’t had it for a while and when we went to the Philippines when I was 12 or so, I was offered some.  I remember holding it in my hand and getting grossed-out at the thought of it.   In the past couple of years at family reunions, we’ve talked about getting some and I was all gung ho with the idea.  Of course, that’s pretty easy to say when you have no idea where to buy it.

But now it was here, right in front of me.  I bought two, with the idea of eating one and then playing a practical joke on my sister-in-law, whose idea of exotic food is boneless skinless chicken breast.  I was going to put some in the fridge next to the regular eggs so that she’d get a little surprise the next time she made cookies.  While driving home from the restaurant, I decided I should offer one to my mom.  She was a little hesitant about taking it (claiming cholesterol) and even tried to “accidentally” leave it in my brother’s car.  I knew I should’ve seen that as a warning sign.

We got back to my brother’s place and said I had to do a little work.  Secretly, I was hoping that Bugnutz and bro would forget about my offering to eat it.  No chance in hell.  They called me down to the kitchen and there it was on a plate.  I tried my best backing out, but they were relentless in their pressure.  So I poured a big shot of tequila and started peeling.  It looked and smelled absolutely nasty.

I had about twelve false starts where I’d just about pop it in my mouth but then backed out.  Each time I was met with a two-man chorus of boos.

"No, no, I can't do it..."

Finally, I had enough and said, “Let’s do this shit.”  Famous last words.

I got a lot of yolk in the first bite and it tasted just like hardboiled egg.  Not a big deal.  But then I instinctively pulled it away from my mouth and saw what I just took a bite of.

No puking or heaving, but I just had to spit it out immediately and down the tequila.  Of course, bro got a kick out of it.

Here’s the aftermath…

So, yes, I admit it – I’m not the foodie I thought I was.  But I’m sure going to try again.  I think the key is to have the tequila BEFORE the egg.  Five times.  And turn off the lights.

Anyone want to join me?  I’ll bring the eggs.

hilowbrow.com

That was a little before my time, though.  People around my age were treated to Up With People four times.

Last year’s halftime show featured a rather tepid performance from The Black Eyed Peas, so it looks like they’ve gone back to featuring dinosaurs playing songs they made famous thirty or more years ago.  Don’t believe me?  Let’s look back at who they’ve had over the past several years:

• 2011 – Black Eyed Peas
• 2010 – The Who
• 2009 – Bruce Springsteen
• 2008 – Tom Petty
• 2007 – Prince (but he was cool)
• 2006 – The Rolling Stones
• 2005 – Paul McCartney

Obviously, the organizers want to bring out acts that are recognizable and have a large fan base.  But they also want to play it safe – even if it means defrosting The Who.  I like the Who but, damn, Roger Daltrey can’t sing anymore.  And why, since 2005, have they wanted to keep it safe?  Because this is what happened in 2004:

looptheloop.de

Yup, Nipplegate.   That year, Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson performed a medley of hits ending with JT’s hit “Rock Your Body”.  As he sings the last line – “I’m gonna have you naked by the end of this song” – he rips Janet’s costume to reveal a decorated nipple.  This “wardrobe malfunction” resulted in hundreds of thousands of complaints to the FCC and subsequent fines for indecency.  So since then, the NFL has tried to play it safe.

Although there was some controversy in 2007.   In the final song of an epic set – his iconic “Purple Rain” – Prince let loose with a searing guitar solo in the midst of a huge Miami storm.  He played behind a giant fluttering cloth, with a spotlight projecting his silhouette on it.  In the days afterward, however, a lot of people were complaining that his  writhing guitar poses and phallic shadow was too sexual for any children who happened to be watching:

foxnews.com

I definitely don’t agree.   By far the worst thing for kids to see that night was Rex Grossman’s pathetic fourth quarter performance.

Back to Nipplegate, I really don’t know what the big deal is. We Americans get sooooo worked up about nudity.  It’s just a breast.  It’s not like children are going to be permanently corrupted because they saw one.  Even as a father of young kids, I still don’t have any issue with nudity on television.  That said, I really don’t want to see Madonna’s wrinkly knockers.

So, in honor of her halftime performance, I present my favorite Guilty Pleasure Madonna song.